when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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