Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
