Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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