wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
