The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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