I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
