if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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