OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
