Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
