so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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