I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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