I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
