Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
