my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Ketchup is God's man juice
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
