I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
