so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
