So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
