She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
