I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
