I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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