Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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