I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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