im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
