Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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