I wish life had little blips of pornography
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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