nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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