I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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