DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just high enough for therapy.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
