i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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