There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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