He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Randomize
