I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize