my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
