you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
