It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
