Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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