they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
two words...techno handjob
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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