All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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