Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
