The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I want to be your penis for a week.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
