In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
