i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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