the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
