we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
