WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
