the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
