Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
