every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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