I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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