I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My vagina just recognized that song.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Randomize
