If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
