Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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