I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
