$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
