I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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