remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
