Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
