I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
