a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Randomize
