the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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