i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
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