I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
