sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
