Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
